I created this blog mainly to have a record for myself of my thoughts through this journey but also to keep people updated. Here is our story:
In December 2010 we found out we were expecting our first child. Although we weren't expecting it we were more than excited. The news
quickly spread and so many people were ready to welcome this new baby into the world. The beginning of my pregnancy was normal and my due date was August 18, 2011.
Around 20 weeks I started to feel pressure but shrugged it off as the baby growing. On Thursday April 7
th Andrew felt the baby kick his hand for the first time. We didn't know at the time just how special this moment would become. The next day I went to work and everything was normal but then around lunch time I went to the bathroom and discovered that I had started bleeding. My heart instantly sank at the thought that something was wrong with my baby. I frantically called my
OB's office and they assured me everything was probably fine but that I needed to get checked out and they would call ahead to the hospital and let them know I was coming but I needed to have someone drive me. An hour later we were sitting in the Triage and the bleeding was getting worse. The nurses still didn't seem to be worried or think anything was really wrong. They started an IV "just in case," and finally they came to get us for an ultrasound. We didn't know the sex of the baby yet, we tried to be excited about finding out but it was hard to knowing we may also be finding out something was wro
ng. They first did a regular ultrasound and we quickly found out we were having a little boy! He was moving like crazy and everything appeared to be just fine and then.....they did a
trans vaginal ultrasound and immediately the ultrasound tech went from laughing and talking to quiet and rushed out of the room. She came back and we were asking her what was wrong but all she would tell us was that the doctor would come and talk to us. She wheeled me back and as soon as I saw my mom and grandma I lost it. I just knew something terrible was happening. From then everything started happening so fast. The nurse came in and hooked up my IV, inserted a
catheter and instructed me not to get up or even sit up for any reason. They moved my bed so that my feet were above my head and told me to lay as still as possible. By then, I was having contractions on top of the pressure and emotional on top of it all. Before I knew it there were doctors and nurses everywhere around me and they finally informed us that I was fully dilated and the membranes were bulging. I was 21 weeks and 1 day. The first thing I asked was, "Will my baby make it?" The doctor looked at me and with tears falling said, "I'm so sorry but he's just too little, there's nothing we can do." They quickly moved us to a regular room and the high risk doctor came in to talk to us. He told us that I would be delivering that night and I was in full blown labor. I was hurting so bad physically, mentally, and emotionally. He said I was also losing a lot of blood and they were concerned that they may have to do a blood transfusion. He went though how everything would happen and said the baby may take a few breaths but he wouldn't be alive very long if he was born breathing. I
received and epidural and not long after that my water broke. At 8:49pm on April 8, 2011 Bentley Robert
Kusturin entered the world sleeping. He was exactly 1 pound and 11.5 inches long. They put him on my chest but I couldn't handle it so they took him to be cleaned up and Andrew got to hold him for a little bit. A couple hours later when things slowed down some they brought him back in and I got to see my precious baby boy for the first time. He looked exactly like his daddy!
I was released the next day. The hardest thing I've ever done was leaving that hospital without my baby in my hands and knowing he was no longer in my belly. The next week was rough between trying to recover physically from child birth and planning my sons funeral. I went back to my OB for a check up and was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. I was already frustrated with her because she never showed up or even called while I was in the hospital but after my check up visit I vowed to never see her again. She told me that it's just something that happens, they don't know why but that I can still have babies, they just have to be more cautious. She said next time I get pregnant they would go in at around 12 weeks and stitch my cervix closed so that I couldn't dilate. When I became full term they would remove the stitch and I would deliver. I had already talked to someone who also has an incompetent cervix and lost a baby so I already knew everything she was going to say. I asked her about having a
trans abdominal cerclage placed because the success rate was much higher. She looked right at me and told me that was too invasive, not
necessary and that was for people who lost more than one baby. Really? You're telling me I have to risk losing another baby before you will consider this option? She got up to leave and gave me a pat on the back and told me she was sorry for my loss. Again, really? I trusted her with my care as well as my baby's and she was no where to be found when I needed her and then she's going to give me a pat on the back? Hello, I just lost my baby!!!
After that visit I began my research. I wasn't settling for at 70% chance of having a "viable" pregnancy. That wasn't good enough. I talked with my friends cousin who had been through all of this and went on to have the
trans abdominal cerclage (
TAC) after losing one baby and almost losing another. After her
TAC was place she became
pregnant again and had a completely normal pregnancy with no bed rest and delivered her baby girl full term via c-section. She gave me the hope I needed. I talked with her a lot over the next couple of weeks and
received a lot of information. She gave me the contact information for the Doctor who placed her
TAC and told me to get it touch with him. She also led me to a group called
Abbyloopers.
Abbyloopers is a
support group online and is full of people who have been through losing a baby (some more than 1) and know what it's like to feel defeated. I never would have gotten through losing Bentley if it wasn't for this group. They are amazing! They have definitely kept me sane the past few months.
And now, my
TAC surgery is scheduled and in 4 days we fly out for Chicago to meet Dr.Haney. We are so excited, nervous, scared, pretty much every possible emotion. Dr.Haney is the number 2 ranked doctor in the world for performing this
procedure. He is the most compassionate man I have ever met. I've talked to him a couple times on the phone and several times through e-mail. He is definitely one of a kind. By having a
TAC I will have a 99% chance of having a FULL TERM baby in my next pregnancy. Dr.Haney is giving us the gift of having the family we've dreamed of and we could never repay him for such an extraordinary gift. I will explain more in another post about what the surgery is and how it will all work. Right now we are preparing for our trip and this next leg of the journey to bringing home our miracle baby!
A transabdominal cerclage (TAC) is a cerclage that is placed by making a transabdominal incision in the lower abdomen, near the bikini line. This allows placement of a small, woven synthetic band high on the cervix, preventing it from opening- a cause of the second trimester loss. Unlike a TVC, a TAC does not require bed rest. However, women will need to have a Cesarean section to deliver their baby- this can be performed through the same bikini line incision that the surgeon used to place the cerclage. The band is safe to stay in the body and, once it is placed will be just as successful during later pregnancies. (http://www.uchospitals.ed/) As you can see in the picture, a TAC is placed much higher than other cerclages.